Why Men “Change” in Relationships: A Dive into the Mystery 🎭💔
Unpacking the mystery behind relationship shifts, the science of habits, and how love evolves from sparks to systems
At least once, we’ve all played therapist to someone crying over their love life—friend, sibling, coworker, or maybe even an archnemesis (hey, we all have our moments, right? 😂). The plotline is all too familiar:
"He used to be so sweet, so thoughtful! He remembered birthdays and anniversaries, sent cute good morning texts, surprised me with flowers, and planned romantic dates. But now? It's like he’s a completely different person! What happened to that guy?" 😭
Now pause. What if that guy... was YOU? Yes, you! 👀 Let’s unpack this.
The “Honeymoon High” and the Real You
Ah, the start of a relationship. The emotions are intoxicating—like a love potion (minus the Hogwarts approval). You’re practically glowing, doing things that seem out of character:
Waking up early to send those cute texts ☀️
Planning thoughtful surprises 🎁
Remembering every little milestone, like “our first ice cream together” 🍦 (aww).
Why? Because you’re in what I call the “Love Virus Phase.” 🦠 You’re infected with dopamine, and it’s rewiring you to become your partner’s dream person. Suddenly, you’re romantic, attentive, a total charmer.
But here’s the catch: sometimes the romantic habits don’t align with who you really are. Maybe you’re not a natural gift-giver, or listening to every detail of a story just isn’t your forte. At first, love makes it feel easy. Then, the honeymoon high fades, and—BAM—the old, “busy,” not-so-romantic you reclaims the throne. Cue the Where Did Mr. Nice Guy Go? saga.
What’s Really Happening? (Spoiler: It’s Science)
Let’s sprinkle in some wisdom from James Clear’s Atomic Habits. Relationships often start with behavior fueled by emotions, but emotions are fleeting. When the initial infatuation wears off, we revert to our identity—our ingrained habits and systems.
It’s not that he stopped caring; it’s that his “nice guy” habits weren’t rooted in his actual identity. He wasn’t naturally a flowers-every-Friday kind of guy. He’s a “grab-a-coffee-and-grind” guy who went off-script for love.
Where Do We Go From Here?
Here’s where things get interesting—and hopeful! When the honeymoon phase ends, love transitions from a feeling to a decision. This is when habits and systems can save the day.
The solution? Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t have to vanish forever. He just needs a roadmap:
Build habits that align with being thoughtful and romantic.
Start small: a weekly “date night” reminder, or a note on his phone to check in emotionally.
Reinforce the identity of someone who loves and invests in his partner.
Pro tip: If you’re in a relationship, this works both ways. We all need reminders to keep showing up for love—not just during the chase, but for the long haul.
Need a Boost? Read Atomic Habits!
James Clear breaks it all down in Atomic Habits. It’s a game-changer for building systems that turn “I’ll try” into “It’s who I am.” Even if romance isn’t second nature, it can become part of your identity with the right approach.
Prefer audiobooks? Check this out: Atomic Habits Audiobook.
Short on time? Here’s a quick summary: Atomic Habits Summary.
TL;DR
Men don’t “change” in relationships; they just fall back into old habits when the honeymoon phase ends. The key to keeping the spark alive is building new habits that support lasting love. The next time you’re wondering where did Mr. Nice Guy go?, remember: love is a decision, not just a feeling. 💕
Now, go forth and be the romantic you (or your partner) deserves! 😉